And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me

Shine until tomorrow, let it be

— The Beatles

Let it be: my favorite Beatle’s song and a great life lesson.

Growing up with anxiety and depression is a battle for sure. There are many nights that I lie awake pondering life’s deepest questions. There are days I choose to sleep through all the chaos around me. My anxiety and depression present themselves in different ways every day.

Growing up, I typically dealt with more anxiety than the oh-so-comforting depression. I felt nervous and waited in anticipation all the time. My legs would shake and my heart would race. I could feel the redness begin to creep on my face. My palms would sweat and I stuttered over every word I spoke. I was what you would call a “worry wart”.

It wasn’t until high school that depression had begun to also take its toll on me. Not only was I terrified to walk into my own school, but I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of bed most days. Once I did, I felt the most dread for the day ahead of me. My room was my safe haven, as my dad would say. I wished I could have spent all my time there. It was where my comfort zone began and ended.

As time went on, I dug myself a hole. You know how it goes…don’t dig yourself a hole you can’t get out of. Instead, I dug myself a hole so deep that no one was getting out of it. I feared judgement and anger about sharing my feelings. I was afraid that if I told someone that I was still feeling the anxiety and still feeling the depression after medication, that I would be in some sort of trouble.

I let these feelings build a fire inside of me for years. On August 20, 2016 the fire ignited and all hell broke loose in my life, my family’s life, and my friends’ lives.

I attempted suicide.

I could rehash old memories by telling you exactly what I took, when I took it, what happened afterwards, and so on. That can be a bit tedious, and to be quite honest, heartbreaking. Sure, there are days that I still think about this day-

• “I wish it would have worked.”
• “Why didn’t I take more?”
• “What was I thinking?”
• Can I do this again?”
• “My family and friends fear for me.”

– but the beauty in this is that it didn’t work and I’m here to share my story. At 16 years old I wanted my life to end so badly that I took matters into my hands. At 19 years old, I want to live so badly that I am taking matters into my hands!

Thanks to a multitude of people (and a couple prescriptions), my anxiety is manageable and my depression only flares every so often. The nights that I lie awake until 4 in the morning are non-existent and the days that I sleep all day are rare. Anxiety and depression are lifetime buds of mine; that’s just what they are, buds. I get to tell them when they are unwelcomed. I get to remove myself from their harsh words they tell me.

Anxiety, for me, will always be the trouble-maker. I still worry about irrational things and tend to lose my mind every now and then. Of course, depression follows and I become unmotivated to live. This is not my everyday, and when this happens, why should I worry about something I cannot change? When I am feeling overwhelmed with emotion, it is comforting to know that I am not in control of everything. Some things you have to let be.

I find comfort in “let it be”.