There isn’t much in life that I’m necessarily afraid of. There are a heck of a lot of things that make me anxious, but not really fearful. When I think of fears my mind goes right to tangible, materialistic things; spiders, clowns. It’s taken me some time to put my thoughts to words, but I’ve finally figured out what I’ve been feeling lately.

My biggest fear is also the thing I love the most about myself: empathy.

Before I even knew what the word meant, I was empathetic towards just about anyone. I’ve always been the friend to console and give advice. I’ve always been the person to store secrets. I’ve always internalized everyone else’s feelings without regard to my own. I’ve always done this without even knowing it. Sometimes I’m aware of when it’s happening, but most of the time it happens so quickly.

Why would I be afraid of the one quality that sets me apart from others? Why would I be afraid of being able to connect with others on a personal level without knowing them personally?

I fear that because I do internalize everyone else’s feelings, I won’t be able to feel for myself. I’m always picking up on other people’s energies and never have the chance to create my own. Maybe this is an irrational fear to some, but for me it’s genuine.

I often think about what life would look like for me if I could distance myself from the empathy. I would lose a large part of me. I would be less compassionate which causes anxiety to think about. I would be cold, and seemingly less caring. So how do I separate my own feelings from those around me? How do I not internalize those feelings?

A large part of my fear comes from made up scenarios produced by my imagination. If someone is showing no emotion, I tend to pair that with anger or sadness. In my head I’ve made that person upset or angry towards me; I work myself up; I cause myself to panic; I’m now stuck with feeling the anxiety I made someone else have. I’ve made myself connect with this person’s feelings, even though they may not actually be feeling this. How do I stop myself from internalizing fake feelings?

I fear the way that I connect with others because I don’t want to lose myself in the process. I fear being so empathetic that I force myself to connect with everyone but me. It’s easy to tell myself to stop forcing feelings onto someone now, but the anxiety that comes along when a situation arises is unreal.

On the bright side of things, I am happy now. There are times that my anxiety seems unmanageable or that depression sets in, but for the most part I feel happy. I’ve made sure the ones I care most about have been made to feel appreciated, and I know that makes them feel good. Because of that, because I’m able to share my happiness with others, I remain happy.

Typically I would wait for the next bad thing to happen so I could take it all in, but I’m done being that person. I don’t want to be so fearful of being empathetic that it pushes me to a breaking point. I would never change, in my opinion, the best quality about me. However, I have some thinking and implementing to do about how I go about connecting with others. Instead of forcing feelings onto someone and working myself in a frenzy, I need to find other ways to assure myself that they are fine. It sounds so simple in writing- but as the saying goes: it’s easier said than done.