Faith is defined as “complete trust or confidence in someone or something”, or “strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof”.
My dad grew up Catholic. He went to Catholic school and attended church with his family. My mom grew up Pentecostal and attended the church. I grew up with no religion and attended no church. I guess you could say my religion was kindness. I remember my mom saying that going to church does not make you a good person.
My parents didn’t get to choose their faith. Their idea for their children was to let us discover God if we chose to. I never had an interest in attending church when I was younger. The only church I had been to then was a catholic church in Basehor. I didn’t find it interesting and to be quite honest it was boring. I think it was boring for most children. So, with that being said, I had no real interest in my faith.
By the time I had turned 15, I kind of swept all things faith under the rug. I knew several of my family members had a strong faith, but I just didn’t. I chose not to interest myself in something that there was no proof over, as the definition states.
Up until I was 15, I had sort of believed in God, but as I said, I had no real interest in learning more. I knew that someone good things on this earth were not purely coincidences, or were they? August 20, 2016, changed my life forever. After my attempted suicide, I decided there was absolutely no God. How could He let something like this happen to me? After all, He is the creator of all things good. How could this happen if there is a God?
That night, my grandparents had come to my house and talked to my parents for quite some time. I was in my parents’ bed, feeling sicker than a dog. On our way home from the hospital, we stopped at KFC. After taking more pills than I wish to name and eating KFC, I threw up. Let’s just say that I have not eaten at KFC since then. I can’t stomach the thought!
Anyways, my grandma came in to talk to me. She asked me if she could pray with me, and I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t tell her that there was no God. If there were, things like this wouldn’t happen. So, she prayed. I don’t remember the prayer- but I remember lying there hating a God if there was one. And that, folks, is how a girl loses faith.
Fast forward 2 years to the winter of my Junior year:
I apologized to God for hating Him in a time of need. I realized I didn’t have to apologize to God. I found a church I loved and felt connected to God. My friends and grandma were there with me. I felt closer to God than never before! That was until the church no longer did it for me.
I finally received my bible and felt like I needed a new church; and wallah! I found my new church in the summer of 2019. It was so great and made me so excited to attend a catholic university in the fall! (USM, although a Catholic university, lets students explore their faith individually.)
So, as I was saying, I found my new church. By the end of the summer, I fell so deeply in love with God and knew that He was the one who would always have my back. I emailed the pastor, Matt, and told him I wanted to be baptized. Not that I regret this, but I am not fond of my impulsive choice.
When I started USM in the fall, I was specifically excited for one class: Introduction to Spirituality. I wasn’t sure what this class entailed, but I can tell you now that it was a lot. We covered religion from all across the globe! We also covered the secular world…from all across the globe…
I don’t mean to sound let down when I say the word secular. Quite frankly, I was most interested in the secular world. By definition, secular means: denoting attitudes, activities, or other things that have no religious or spiritual basis. This includes activities such as meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, and some forms of Taoism (focuses on one’s outlook on life). Things have come full circle for me. I was uninterested in God, believed in God, hated God, found God, and now I am questioning God.
I am a little let down by something else, though.
Just as I thought I found my religion; just as I invested my time and energy into a God, I lose it. Maybe I didn’t lose it, but I am questioning it. There are so many forms of God that I question who is right. Why does anyone have to be right? There are so many stories from Jesus and his disciples centered around a supposed God. There are so many religions. There are so many ways to look at life.
But wait- I can’t be questioning my religion at a Catholic school?! Well, I take a deep breath and realize that 67% of USM’s population is not Catholic…whew! 67% of USM is either involved in different religion, no religion, or questioning like me.
So yes, I can do all the questioning I want here. I have theologians to answer all my religious questions, Sisters to pray with, and friends to have those awkward “maybe I don’t believe in God” moments with.
I am let down that my initial faith didn’t work out for me- but not too let down. I am glad that I gave myself just enough time to keep exploring.
For now, I’ll focus on bettering me. Going to church does not make me more and not going does not make me less. Being kind, however, does make me feel more rather than less. Maybe what I need right now is to explore my faith. I don’t need answers on who or what God is. When the time is right, I’ll know if there is a God and what their intentions might be.
For now, my religion is kindness… again.
Me + life 