OLD POST: July 21, 2016 @ 3:21 am

i am struggling to hold on. i have been for a while, about a year. i never told anyone that i had these thoughts in my head…of suicide. in my mind i had no reason to; my dad thinks it’s weak, my mom would be upset, my friends wouldn’t really believe me.

i wish i could remember when this all started, me being depressed. i do remember my first traces of anxiety…5 grade ha ha. those were some stressful elementary days, let me tell ya. back to my depression; i don’t really remember when it started because it all felt so sudden. 8 grade was when i really fell rock bottom, without anybody knowing. i had horrible thoughts of myself, compared myself to others- typical middle school. that was until i started having thoughts of “leaving”, as i say. i knew that wasn’t right.

i do remember always putting it off, my feelings. people would ask me if i was okay…some days it was too much to handle. but with a smile forced upon my face i would say yes. i felt weak, stupid. why was i feeling this way? i have clothes, food, a house, a good family…so why me? i asked this a million times a day. when i finally had enough, i looked it up. “how to kill yourself with pills”.

i remember being shocked. i had no clue at the amount of pills that can kill you…ones that you probably have in your home now. NyQuil being the one that stood out to me. i always knew not to take too many because you might go into a temporary coma…but take way too many and you’re dead. i knew right then that this is what i would use. if it all became too much, if i couldn’t take it anymore.

i remember waking up the next day, getting ready for school and wanting to cry. stay home. but i didn’t let myself. i wasn’t going to tell my mom. why would i? i went to school, got through the day. came home. homework. ate dinner. showered. bed. sleep. wake up. ten minutes go by, i fall back asleep. wake up for good. repeat…everyday for a year.

a few months go by, and i finally mention something to my mom about being nervous all the time. anxious. we talked. we talked a month later. we talked after that. nothing was ever done though. it was typical nerves i guess. i dealt with it, for a long time. months went by and i still was nervous and suicidal. great combination, huh?

i “graduated” 8 grade. i remember feeling relieved. that these feelings were over because it’s summer! no. not at all. who knew that weights and the pool could be so stressful? yeah, not me either. my biggest question was, “why am i nervous? there has to be a reason.” yet, no one had the answers.

summer went by fast. i was starting my freshman year of high school. nervous, yes. anxious, no. normal nerves for my first day of high school. the first few months were really good, i loved it. i loved school. i took a speech class, or public speaking. it helped a lot with my stage freight. i was actually okay for a while. until i wasn’t anymore.

it hit me like a train. a whole storm of emotions everyday. i wasn’t me. i wasn’t happy.

i told my mom i needed a doctors appointment soon for my anxiety. she called and got me in. i went, we talked, and the doctor prescribed me the generic for Zoloft. 25 milligrams. if i needed more, take 50. i was actually okay, for real this time. my medicine helped. i was okay, not happy, but okay.

after a while of taking medicine i needed something more. someone to talk to, easily accessible. i reached out to God. i am not a religious person, but i try to have a relationship with God. i wanted to. i came across “Jesus Calling” and read it everyday. i found some verses i really liked, but one stood out to me the most. it is basically what i am living by to do this day. Psalm 147:3.

i don’t read Jesus Calling anymore. i don’t talk to God anymore. i am sad.

i do not see a point in my life. i mean, can you name one for me? i am sad. why waste a soul, a life, a body on someone who is sad? i don’t want to be here anymore. i want to leave. i am done. i cannot do this anymore. please see that. please see me crying. please see me panic. please see me helplessly hold myself together. please see me struggle.

i broke down. i told my mom. she told my dad. they see me cry. they see me struggle. i am not alone. but i am. my body is so lonely. my mind is so lonely. but i don’t have to be alone. i can now cry helplessly to my parents, instead of by myself.

this is not how i want to live; thinking ever day that i would be better off dead. i am getting help. i don’t have to be alone. i can’t do this by myself anymore. i don’t have to.

i am thinking.

i am thinking right now if i want to leave. my answer is yes. but it won’t be, because i am getting help. i hate myself right now, but i won’t. i am struggling to hold on, but i won’t be.